Modern Day Romance Sucks

Remember the days when your eyes would meet across a crowded room. 

Umbreen Ali
By Umbreen Ali
Columnist
February 14, 2013, 10:45 am
Modern Day Romance Sucks

Remember the days when your eyes would meet across a crowded room.

You would be waiting expectantly for a phone call, be surprised by an ad hoc visit to the house, flowers, cards or chocolates sent to you.

Sounds like the stuff VHS movies were made of.

Modern day flirting, however, entails the alluring, ‘find me on Facebook’, sexy profile pictures, kissing emoticons- there’s your modern day definition of lugubrious.

If one wants to learn about the art of seduction and all round career regression, all hail domestic goddess, Gwyneth Paltrow who is playing life coach to Cameron Diaz.

The wise guru has forbidden her BFF from dating and having sex for a year.

So a little insight into married life. Next tip; never discuss your feelings.

For those without the neurotic, intrusive friends, and who are still inclined towards dating, how do you decipher during the courting ritual if you’re compatible, and if he is in fact ‘the one?’

That’s easy. Ask the following questions to establish whether you dump him or date him: iPhone or Samsung, Kate or Pippa, Xbox or Play Station, private or national, handcuffs or spanking? Done.

Matters of the heart are always complicated. But with the ubiquity of social media, the dating process has become arduously aggravated. There’s the mandatory Facebook stalking.

We’re all guilty of it. Furiously trawling through Facebook photo albums and Twitter feeds, investigating ones timeline like a love struck MI5 agent.

And when we are bestowed with a phone number, we check the whatsapp compulsively to see if those two ticks have appeared and obsess over why he still hasn’t responded.

Love and romance have been replaced by torturous Brazilians, the Fifty Shades trilogy gift set (- the whip comes free) and an increasingly vocal penchant for spanking.

Or you could do a Kanye and pen a love song about ‘My Perfect Bitch.’ Ah bless.

And if dating becomes embroiled with social politics, ie, the hot girl ratio imbalance on his friends lists, or him tagged in the picture with the girl he was drunkenly snogging, there’s always the more subtle way to let your love interest be known. ‘Bang with friends.’

This is the novel Facebook app that allows people to anonymously register an interest in sleeping with their Facebook contacts. Oh the heightened chivalry-  what would Mr Darcy say?

How did dating get so complicated?

This Valentines Day, let’s make a vow to keep things simple. Girls, if he replies to a text message within ten minutes, he’s a keeper.

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