Real men don't spit!
Umbreen Ali
By Umbreen Ali
July 30, 2013, 4:55 pm

A by-law prohibiting spitting in public is to be introduced in north London. 

That bylaw needs to be transported a little further north to a potential goldmine of shalwar kameez clad violators if they want to effectively induce some well needed revenue.

People caught spitting (not into a tissue or handkerchief) would be issued with a fixed penalty notice and anyone refusing to pay could face prosecution and a fine of up to £5,000. 

Let’s be honest, a handkerchief is a more alien concept to many an Asian man than a £5000 fine.


And whilst this is the first specific anti-spitting bylaw in the country, how does one police such an infraction?


However, if we were going to ban things why not probe into the delicate points of social form a little deeper? 


Why not ban men scratching their nether regions in public, or picking their noses, potent leathery belches and creepily soliciting attractive women with the suggestion of a second wife just because he can.


The milkman banned from whistling on his milk round was just silly. But this spitting ban is something worth dwelling on. 


How many men have we seen rolling down their windows mid traffic just to expel a mouthful of congealed saliva onto the road?


Spitting is unequivocally a butch alpha Asian male thing and will never be socially acceptable. 


Imagine if women started spitting out of car windows? No let’s not. And FYI, no-one in the history of mankind has ever associated a man who spits in public with dynamic intellect, powerful leadership or a good nature. 


Not to mention the fact that it is a rather traumatic viewing experience for the unfortunate passer by who happens to catch a glimpse.


And speaking of potentially fatal social errors, a special mention must be made to the disgruntled woman at the receiving end of fretfully filthy blabber from her ogling middle aged butcher. 


Rather than suffer in embarrassed silence, she chose to defame him on leaflets which she delivered door to door in his neighbourhood. Now that’s vigilantism worthy of an award.


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